The Day After

Woke up to the sound of rain. Not the way I wanted to start the day, my body seemed to move in tandem with the gray skies. The plan was to have a mother-daughter day with some friends.

By the time we left, the clouds were dissipated, giving way to beautiful skies with puffy white clouds. We ended up at The Langham, a gorgeous hotel in San Marino. Denise promised us picturesque grounds. She was not kidding.

The day did wonders for me. It was the first time in a long time that I walked around without thinking about the moment that I could sit down and rest.

It was a lovely, lovely day.

My Lucky Day

This is me, waiting for my Orthopedic Oncologist. Hoping for some magical elixir that will help me walk upright again.

The news wasn't what I hoped for. My spine is compressed which is why my body wants to be hunched over. There isn't a back brace that will save the day. I just need to put up with it for now, walk and sit as straight as possible and hope and pray for the best. I wanted to cry.

As I drove to the office, I fought back tears, trying to focus on the positive. The x-rays looked good, no change since my last visit from over a year ago. It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet. I am only human.

Funny about life. I would have expected the rest of the day to go downhill from there. But it was a good day. I even told someone it was my lucky day. I thank God for that.

making spirits bright

I arrived at the women's Christmas event, "Comfort & Joy" in need of both. I silently prayed, "Please, Lord, let this be a message that lifts my spirit and gives me hope." He did not disappoint. Within minutes of Carol Kent's testimony, tears were welling. How she could stand up there smiling and making us laugh was simply amazing considering the story she had to share. Her message...choose life. I left tired, but full of comfort and joy.

Sunday we went to the Grove to celebrate Greg and my birthdays. I did better than I hoped. It helped having the stroller to hold on to. Waiting for our dinner reservations, we walked to the Farmer's Market and inside was such beautiful light. I let go of the stroller, camera in hand and for a moment moved around without any struggle. 

It was wonderful. 

I want to go back. to that moment and to that place.

Discouraged

I wanted to write of hope, but I feel so discouraged today.

I need prayer. Praying that tomorrow will find me in good spirits, full of hope, full of faith. Thankful that I have a God who understands how I feel.

What I Wouldn't Give...

to be able to ride a bicycle again, especially this little beauty.

Of course at this price, I would need to ride it work. every. day. But just think what I would save on gas.

Can't Get Enough

Still can't get enough of our Christmas Tree. Even in the daylight without the Christmas lights on, it's beautiful.

With My Whole Heart

Two weeks ago, I would have given anything to see my oncologist. I needed relief and even though I knew that simply seeing the doctor wouldn't bring it, I was grasping at anything I could. Today, I drove to the medical facility with a much different attitude.

Thankfully, I'm getting around better. Thankfully, my spirits are up.

On my way, I saw this poor little slug bug who appeared to be feeling much as I was two weeks ago.

As I trudged (and believe me I trudged) my way from the parking garage to the oncology department, I saw this as a message from God that I would have good news.

And good news it was. My CA27-29 counts went down almost 400 points. My blood sugar levels were good. My cholesterol was good. My bone scan didn't show any new activity or significant changes.

Tonight, cookies are being baked to the sound of blaring music and girls singing along at the top of their lungs.

I was allowed to go downstairs and take a few pictures. My heart is filled with the spirit of the Lord and  is overjoyed.

Let ALL that I am praise the Lord;
with my WHOLE heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let ALL that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases
Psalm 103:1-3

Signs Are Everywhere

There are little signs everywhere that I'm getting better every day. 

I'm taking pictures again.

I'm baking again.

I'm spending time on the floor with Belle again.

I changed the sheets myself today.

I'm whittling away on my Christmas list...without a single online purchase yet.

I'm getting off my recliner more each day. 

I'm smiling more.

I feel more engaged in life.

Tomorrow is my oncology appointment. Praying the blood tests show positive results. Praying that the doctor will agree that more frequent bone infusions will help build my strength.

I Followed the Sun

Drove out to the desert today to visit Matt, Ashley and the grand babies. An added bonus was the sight of blue skies and sunshine.

While we couldn't stay as long as we would have liked because Brie had work, the time we spent there was as good as it gets.

It was so much fun, watching Maximus playing with his birthday presents.

Little Aurora had so much fun hanging out with her Auntie.

It felt good to hold her which was much easier than last time I saw her.

We enjoyed a good lunch at Red Robin.

Followed by a quick walk at The River enjoying the sun, taking some pictures and eating ice cream.

Before we knew it, it was time to leave. As we made our way to the freeway, Brie shared with me how much she enjoyed the day.

I knew exactly what she meant.

Sunshine in My Heart

The last day of November 2012 was filled with gray skies and rain. Thankfully, my heart was filled with sunshine. I'm feeling better and stronger than I did at the start of the month. I'm praying that by the time Christmas comes, I'm moving around like I was at the beginning of the year.

I have hope.

It's Beginning...

To look like Christmas.

It does my heart good.

Dare I Ask?

When this all began, I would say something lame, such as, "How can I ask not to feel pain and suffering after what Christ did for us?" Which is true, at least, the part in which Christ did go through pain and suffering for us. Pain like I have not experienced. Suffering like I can not imagine.

Now, I wonder who the hell did I think I was? This time around, when I was at my lowest, I realized how incredibly full of myself I was. Did I actually think I could take more than Christ? When did I start believing that I was really strong? And I sobbed, alone, frightened, asking God to take the cup, begging him to heal me. I knew all I had to do was ask. I knew all he had to do was breath and I would be healed.

Dare I ask? Dare I dream? Dare I hope? I knew there were some for whom he has said "yes!", some for whom he said "no" and still some for whom, he said "wait". I was afraid which group I would fall into for I am unworthy of the former and the latter. And on that day, when I finally, really truly asked, I felt both convicted and relieved. Convicted because I knew that I would never be holy enough, honorable enough, good enough to not ask him to take the cup. Relieved, because I realized that he never expected me not to ask. It was okay for me to show my weakness, my frailty, my humanness because he made me, he is molding me and mainly because he loves me.

Whatever his answer may be, I find comfort in knowing that he will never ever expect me to walk this alone. He will be with me every step of the way. Giving me his comfort and mercy along the way.

As I write this, I am feeling well enough to venture out to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a morning bun heated that I love so much. I am thankful. Thankful for the reprieve from the pain that has been my companion for so many days. I am thankful because I know without a doubt that I want to live. I want to write, I want to take pictures, I want to love on my sone and daughter, I want to see my daughter-in-law fully become the woman I know she will be, I want to perfect my relationship with my mom, I want to pick up and kiss my grandchildren (all 12 of them!), I want to praise the Lord and find a way to serve him. I want to find my purpose in life.

Dare I ask? Yes, I do. I can ask, for a full and complete healing. To walk upright, like a 19-year old again....okay a 39-year old. To be able to stop taking these pills. To be able to bend down, pick up, run, jump and do a cartwheel even. I dare because he told me I could.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and that him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

Looking Forward

Thanksgiving Eve. At the beginning of the week, I didn't think I would be able to celebrate the holiday at all. I hadn't given up and my hope was still in God, but I spent Monday in pain most any time I moved. The peace I had found the previous week was waning as I tried desperately to find silver linings.

I wasn't sure if the pain was from a pulled muscle which to me was the best case scenario or if it was a side effect from the Everolimus which was the worst case scenario. Two calls to the Oncology department got me nowhere. My doctor wasn't in and his nurse was taking a while to return calls. She finally returned my call after 4pm and while she was very nice and helpful by the end of the call, I still wasn't sure what to do.

By 8pm I was in tears sure it was the Everolimus as a mouth sore made its appearance. That's it, I told my mom, I'm not going to take either pill anymore. By 9pm, I decided I was going to sleep on my recliner which is where Brie found me when she got home shortly before midnight.

Shortly after 1am, I awoke, stiff and sore and decided that I was going to try sleeping in my bed. I was already uncomfortable so what did I have to lose? It didn't hit me until I had climbed the stairs and stepped into my room, that the terrible pain that reverberated throughout my mid-section all day long was no longer there. I slowly lowered myself into bed and fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke, as always, with a mixture of dread and anxiousness as the thought of getting out of bed. Would this be the morning when I could step onto the floor the way I used to or would it be a struggle. While it wasn't like it used to be, neither was it as painful as the morning before. It was a small victory, but I would gladly take it.

As the day progressed, I felt a better. I was able to make Brie some sopa before she left for work. As I got up from my chair in the early evening to wash the pan, mom told me that she would do it. But as I told her, I need to move around. My fear is that I will become a shut in or just a slug on the recliner. I need to fight and one way I do that is to do things. I need to be smart about the things I do and not over do it, but I need to move when I can move.

My recliner has been a blessing, but I want to make sure it doesn't become a prison.

It's part of the reason that at 7:30pm, I went up to my room where I've spent very little time and began to clean up. It felt so good to be away from the family room, off my recliner and doing something. Even if I had to stop every 15 minutes or so and rest.

I finally got into bed shortly before 10pm, happy that the day and evening was vastly different before. I could only pray that when I awoke that I would not find myself back where I was on Monday.

Today has been mostly a good day. My first steps were about what they were the morning before. I decided that I would go out and run a few errands at lunch time. I was able to make it to Target, stop for gas, get some dog food at Petco and stop for some lunch. It was such a beautiful day that I put the top down which only made me feel even better. As I pulled onto our street, I received a call from Brie telling me she just passed me on the street and saw that I had the top down.

After lunch, I could feel the pain returning...not as intense, but still it was there. I counted the minutes before I could take my next dose of Ibuprofen and then I got back on my recliner and waited, praying that the pain would subside, praying that this was not another step back.

There are times when I can't help but wonder...what am I doing wrong? Was it the impatient or unkind thought in my head? But then I remember God's words in Psalm 103:10, "he does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." It helps to know those words.

It's been a difficult past few weeks, some of the hardest I've faced since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I'm watching everything I put into my body. I'm afraid one wrong bite will result in constipation, unbearable gas, or will line my liver with pain again. I hate being afraid. I feel like despite my words, I don't trust in God. But I also feel its important that he knows that I'm doing what I can to get better. I just need his strength, his mercy, his healing.

Regardless, it was a very good day. My second in a row. Good because I felt better and could move around with very very little pain. Good because I had some quality time with my daughter. Good because I talked on the phone twice with my son. Good because I was able to help my mom. Good because I know my sister is coming tomorrow. Good because I was able to go out for a while and drive home with the top down. Good because the pies are in the oven and smell heavenly. Good because the Lord made this day and I was glad in it.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Getting Impatient

Maybe it was the clouds, maybe it was the hope that I would wake up this morning feeling even better than the night before (it wasn't to be), but my spirit took a bit of a drop this morning. I did not want to go to that place I was on Monday morning. Thankfully, the day improved and even though the sun never came out and I didn't get my walk, there was still plenty to make me smile.

It was Max's 2nd birthday today. It seems like such a long time ago when I was in Dallas, crying because I knew I wouldn't be there for his birth. Now, here he is looking more like a little boy than a baby.

Being thankful that I sleep good each night.

Being thankful for a warm shower that soothed my back.

Being thankful for a crispy apple with a dollop of peanut butter (yum).

Being thankful for our little Belle who keeps me company throughout the day

Being thankful that another cousin of my mom is praying for me

Being thankful that I felt well enough to go to the praise service tonight. It always lifts me up.

These are the types of things I need to focus on, otherwise I get impatient. I want each day to be better than the day before. I know it's not always going to work like that. I know I need to take it just one day at at time, but sometimes my mind runs ahead of itself. Sometimes, I hate going to bed at night because I hate that I seem to have taken a step backwards, physically, when I first wake up.

I have to remember that at the start of the week, I was gasping in pain with the steps that I took and now I'm not. That's a good thing. I just want more.

A Little Bit of Normal

The day started off a little normal. This morning I rose from my bed instead of the recliner I've been pretty much sleeping in for the last two weeks. It was hard to get moving, but I managed to do it.

Thankfully, things progressed positively from there. I spent the day at home, working, but able to rise up from my chair without too much discomfort. I didn't get to head outside for a breath of fresh air to start the day, but I did start with the Word...Let all that I am praise the Lord with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Psalm 102:1

I am thankful today...

That I was able to move around without too much pain

For my mom's prayer that covered me this morning

For the beautiful high noon sky

That I was able to go to the grocery store with Brienne, followed by a quick stop at Starbucks

That I was able to make Brienne lunch

That I was able to take a half hour walk after work, enjoying the evening sky that God blessed us with

That I was able to go visit Brienne at work

For the call from my sister

That I found myself at the end of evening at Starbucks

That today felt just a little normal

Give Thanks

It was the only thing I could do today...give thanks.

I was thankful I could get up and walk to the bathroom myself.

I was thankful for another beautiful morning.

I was thankful I could work from home

I was thankful that I could make Brie lunch

I was thankful that I was able to take a walk this afternoon

I was thankful for a salad and sandwich from Panera

I was thankful for a morning prayer from my mom

Praise the Lord!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?
Who can ever praise him enough?
There is joy for those who deal justly with others
and always do what is right.
Remember me, Lord, when you show favor to your people;
come near and rescue me.
Psalm 106: 1-4

Get to It

I woke up this morning as I do most mornings, full of hope. Hope that this would be the day that I get up from bed and walk like normal.

It was not to be.

For a while I was convinced that the new meds were once again affecting my kidneys. By 9am I was teary-eyed. As I was getting into the shower mom was trying to talk to me and I tried not to snap back a response. It was only 9am and I was tired, discouraged, worn out.

But then a wonderful thing happened. She asked me if I wanted prayer. "Yes', I exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around me and prayed. Prayed for mercy, prayed for healing, prayed for comfort. I wish I could say that when she let go, I stood up tall and strong, but I didn't. What I had, however, was peace.

By lunchtime I was feeling well enough to take a walk. It was cool and clear outside. Just perfect weather. My steps were slow, but not too painful. I had my praise song playing in my ear. I listened as I  thanked God.

That I could still go outside and walk
For the perfect weather
For my mom's prayers that morning
For my iPhone with a camera

I decided that one of my problems has been that I've been waiting....waiting to live or waiting to die. It was time to just live. And with that I took a few pictures.

Ups and Downs

I post in my mind almost every day. Sometimes, my posts are long and meaningful. Sometimes, they are short and painfully raw. The one thing that hasn't changed is the excuse for not posting. I haven't had the heart.

The last few months have taken a toll and some of my spirit, too. The hardest part has been the bad days following a good day. It seems I just can't get over the hump or I can't string enough good wins to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

The hardest part has been the apathy that seems to have rooted itself in my heart. I long for the day when my camera seemed to be an extension of my hands and words flowed from my fingers. At first I thought the lull was God's way of calling me back to him. I felt I had made photography my idol. But now, I wonder will I be able to get behind the camera the way I was. Will I be able to write the way I hoped to, the way my mind says that I can.

On Friday, I decided that I would no longer think that a good day meant things were getting better or that a bad bay meant things were going south. A good day would be just that, a good day and a bad day would be a bad day. I also decided that even bad days had aspects in which I could rejoice.

On Friday, I looked at the sky and fixed my eye on the blue and white canvas and saw what I was looking for. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen. I need to try to find beauty in the every day. I need to write every day....even if it's just two or three words. And I need to start picking up my camera again.

Everything I Had

It was supposed to be a team leadership summit. It was decided to include an overnight camping trip as part of our team building experience.

I was really looking forward to it. I've been missing the ocean so much.

The thought of falling asleep to the sound of crashing wave.

Gathering around a campfire and roasting marshmallows was something I couldn't wait to do.

Watching both the sunset and the sunrise in the beauty of the outdoors made me so excited.

But the night before, my back was hurting. It didn't feel any better in the morning as it usually does.

It took everything I had to be out there, moving through the pain, letting others do things for me.

But I needed to go. I needed to stand out in front of the ocean, watching the waves come forth and just as quickly retreat.

I needed to put my feet into the ocean and feel God's mercy and grace wash over me.

I needed to live.