Dare I Ask?

When this all began, I would say something lame, such as, "How can I ask not to feel pain and suffering after what Christ did for us?" Which is true, at least, the part in which Christ did go through pain and suffering for us. Pain like I have not experienced. Suffering like I can not imagine.

Now, I wonder who the hell did I think I was? This time around, when I was at my lowest, I realized how incredibly full of myself I was. Did I actually think I could take more than Christ? When did I start believing that I was really strong? And I sobbed, alone, frightened, asking God to take the cup, begging him to heal me. I knew all I had to do was ask. I knew all he had to do was breath and I would be healed.

Dare I ask? Dare I dream? Dare I hope? I knew there were some for whom he has said "yes!", some for whom he said "no" and still some for whom, he said "wait". I was afraid which group I would fall into for I am unworthy of the former and the latter. And on that day, when I finally, really truly asked, I felt both convicted and relieved. Convicted because I knew that I would never be holy enough, honorable enough, good enough to not ask him to take the cup. Relieved, because I realized that he never expected me not to ask. It was okay for me to show my weakness, my frailty, my humanness because he made me, he is molding me and mainly because he loves me.

Whatever his answer may be, I find comfort in knowing that he will never ever expect me to walk this alone. He will be with me every step of the way. Giving me his comfort and mercy along the way.

As I write this, I am feeling well enough to venture out to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a morning bun heated that I love so much. I am thankful. Thankful for the reprieve from the pain that has been my companion for so many days. I am thankful because I know without a doubt that I want to live. I want to write, I want to take pictures, I want to love on my sone and daughter, I want to see my daughter-in-law fully become the woman I know she will be, I want to perfect my relationship with my mom, I want to pick up and kiss my grandchildren (all 12 of them!), I want to praise the Lord and find a way to serve him. I want to find my purpose in life.

Dare I ask? Yes, I do. I can ask, for a full and complete healing. To walk upright, like a 19-year old again....okay a 39-year old. To be able to stop taking these pills. To be able to bend down, pick up, run, jump and do a cartwheel even. I dare because he told me I could.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and that him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6