Ups and Downs

I post in my mind almost every day. Sometimes, my posts are long and meaningful. Sometimes, they are short and painfully raw. The one thing that hasn't changed is the excuse for not posting. I haven't had the heart.

The last few months have taken a toll and some of my spirit, too. The hardest part has been the bad days following a good day. It seems I just can't get over the hump or I can't string enough good wins to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

The hardest part has been the apathy that seems to have rooted itself in my heart. I long for the day when my camera seemed to be an extension of my hands and words flowed from my fingers. At first I thought the lull was God's way of calling me back to him. I felt I had made photography my idol. But now, I wonder will I be able to get behind the camera the way I was. Will I be able to write the way I hoped to, the way my mind says that I can.

On Friday, I decided that I would no longer think that a good day meant things were getting better or that a bad bay meant things were going south. A good day would be just that, a good day and a bad day would be a bad day. I also decided that even bad days had aspects in which I could rejoice.

On Friday, I looked at the sky and fixed my eye on the blue and white canvas and saw what I was looking for. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen. I need to try to find beauty in the every day. I need to write every day....even if it's just two or three words. And I need to start picking up my camera again.