I wasn't sure if the pain was from a pulled muscle which to me was the best case scenario or if it was a side effect from the Everolimus which was the worst case scenario. Two calls to the Oncology department got me nowhere. My doctor wasn't in and his nurse was taking a while to return calls. She finally returned my call after 4pm and while she was very nice and helpful by the end of the call, I still wasn't sure what to do.
By 8pm I was in tears sure it was the Everolimus as a mouth sore made its appearance. That's it, I told my mom, I'm not going to take either pill anymore. By 9pm, I decided I was going to sleep on my recliner which is where Brie found me when she got home shortly before midnight.
Shortly after 1am, I awoke, stiff and sore and decided that I was going to try sleeping in my bed. I was already uncomfortable so what did I have to lose? It didn't hit me until I had climbed the stairs and stepped into my room, that the terrible pain that reverberated throughout my mid-section all day long was no longer there. I slowly lowered myself into bed and fell asleep.
The next morning, I awoke, as always, with a mixture of dread and anxiousness as the thought of getting out of bed. Would this be the morning when I could step onto the floor the way I used to or would it be a struggle. While it wasn't like it used to be, neither was it as painful as the morning before. It was a small victory, but I would gladly take it.
As the day progressed, I felt a better. I was able to make Brie some sopa before she left for work. As I got up from my chair in the early evening to wash the pan, mom told me that she would do it. But as I told her, I need to move around. My fear is that I will become a shut in or just a slug on the recliner. I need to fight and one way I do that is to do things. I need to be smart about the things I do and not over do it, but I need to move when I can move.
My recliner has been a blessing, but I want to make sure it doesn't become a prison.
It's part of the reason that at 7:30pm, I went up to my room where I've spent very little time and began to clean up. It felt so good to be away from the family room, off my recliner and doing something. Even if I had to stop every 15 minutes or so and rest.
I finally got into bed shortly before 10pm, happy that the day and evening was vastly different before. I could only pray that when I awoke that I would not find myself back where I was on Monday.
Today has been mostly a good day. My first steps were about what they were the morning before. I decided that I would go out and run a few errands at lunch time. I was able to make it to Target, stop for gas, get some dog food at Petco and stop for some lunch. It was such a beautiful day that I put the top down which only made me feel even better. As I pulled onto our street, I received a call from Brie telling me she just passed me on the street and saw that I had the top down.
After lunch, I could feel the pain returning...not as intense, but still it was there. I counted the minutes before I could take my next dose of Ibuprofen and then I got back on my recliner and waited, praying that the pain would subside, praying that this was not another step back.
There are times when I can't help but wonder...what am I doing wrong? Was it the impatient or unkind thought in my head? But then I remember God's words in Psalm 103:10, "he does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." It helps to know those words.
It's been a difficult past few weeks, some of the hardest I've faced since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I'm watching everything I put into my body. I'm afraid one wrong bite will result in constipation, unbearable gas, or will line my liver with pain again. I hate being afraid. I feel like despite my words, I don't trust in God. But I also feel its important that he knows that I'm doing what I can to get better. I just need his strength, his mercy, his healing.
Regardless, it was a very good day. My second in a row. Good because I felt better and could move around with very very little pain. Good because I had some quality time with my daughter. Good because I talked on the phone twice with my son. Good because I was able to help my mom. Good because I know my sister is coming tomorrow. Good because I was able to go out for a while and drive home with the top down. Good because the pies are in the oven and smell heavenly. Good because the Lord made this day and I was glad in it.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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