The last day of November 2012 was filled with gray skies and rain. Thankfully, my heart was filled with sunshine. I'm feeling better and stronger than I did at the start of the month. I'm praying that by the time Christmas comes, I'm moving around like I was at the beginning of the year.
I have hope.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Dare I Ask?
When this all began, I would say something lame, such as, "How can I ask not to feel pain and suffering after what Christ did for us?" Which is true, at least, the part in which Christ did go through pain and suffering for us. Pain like I have not experienced. Suffering like I can not imagine.
Now, I wonder who the hell did I think I was? This time around, when I was at my lowest, I realized how incredibly full of myself I was. Did I actually think I could take more than Christ? When did I start believing that I was really strong? And I sobbed, alone, frightened, asking God to take the cup, begging him to heal me. I knew all I had to do was ask. I knew all he had to do was breath and I would be healed.
Dare I ask? Dare I dream? Dare I hope? I knew there were some for whom he has said "yes!", some for whom he said "no" and still some for whom, he said "wait". I was afraid which group I would fall into for I am unworthy of the former and the latter. And on that day, when I finally, really truly asked, I felt both convicted and relieved. Convicted because I knew that I would never be holy enough, honorable enough, good enough to not ask him to take the cup. Relieved, because I realized that he never expected me not to ask. It was okay for me to show my weakness, my frailty, my humanness because he made me, he is molding me and mainly because he loves me.
Whatever his answer may be, I find comfort in knowing that he will never ever expect me to walk this alone. He will be with me every step of the way. Giving me his comfort and mercy along the way.
As I write this, I am feeling well enough to venture out to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a morning bun heated that I love so much. I am thankful. Thankful for the reprieve from the pain that has been my companion for so many days. I am thankful because I know without a doubt that I want to live. I want to write, I want to take pictures, I want to love on my sone and daughter, I want to see my daughter-in-law fully become the woman I know she will be, I want to perfect my relationship with my mom, I want to pick up and kiss my grandchildren (all 12 of them!), I want to praise the Lord and find a way to serve him. I want to find my purpose in life.
Dare I ask? Yes, I do. I can ask, for a full and complete healing. To walk upright, like a 19-year old again....okay a 39-year old. To be able to stop taking these pills. To be able to bend down, pick up, run, jump and do a cartwheel even. I dare because he told me I could.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and that him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6
Now, I wonder who the hell did I think I was? This time around, when I was at my lowest, I realized how incredibly full of myself I was. Did I actually think I could take more than Christ? When did I start believing that I was really strong? And I sobbed, alone, frightened, asking God to take the cup, begging him to heal me. I knew all I had to do was ask. I knew all he had to do was breath and I would be healed.
Dare I ask? Dare I dream? Dare I hope? I knew there were some for whom he has said "yes!", some for whom he said "no" and still some for whom, he said "wait". I was afraid which group I would fall into for I am unworthy of the former and the latter. And on that day, when I finally, really truly asked, I felt both convicted and relieved. Convicted because I knew that I would never be holy enough, honorable enough, good enough to not ask him to take the cup. Relieved, because I realized that he never expected me not to ask. It was okay for me to show my weakness, my frailty, my humanness because he made me, he is molding me and mainly because he loves me.
Whatever his answer may be, I find comfort in knowing that he will never ever expect me to walk this alone. He will be with me every step of the way. Giving me his comfort and mercy along the way.
As I write this, I am feeling well enough to venture out to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a morning bun heated that I love so much. I am thankful. Thankful for the reprieve from the pain that has been my companion for so many days. I am thankful because I know without a doubt that I want to live. I want to write, I want to take pictures, I want to love on my sone and daughter, I want to see my daughter-in-law fully become the woman I know she will be, I want to perfect my relationship with my mom, I want to pick up and kiss my grandchildren (all 12 of them!), I want to praise the Lord and find a way to serve him. I want to find my purpose in life.
Dare I ask? Yes, I do. I can ask, for a full and complete healing. To walk upright, like a 19-year old again....okay a 39-year old. To be able to stop taking these pills. To be able to bend down, pick up, run, jump and do a cartwheel even. I dare because he told me I could.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and that him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Looking Forward
Thanksgiving Eve. At the beginning of the week, I didn't think I would be able to celebrate the holiday at all. I hadn't given up and my hope was still in God, but I spent Monday in pain most any time I moved. The peace I had found the previous week was waning as I tried desperately to find silver linings.
I wasn't sure if the pain was from a pulled muscle which to me was the best case scenario or if it was a side effect from the Everolimus which was the worst case scenario. Two calls to the Oncology department got me nowhere. My doctor wasn't in and his nurse was taking a while to return calls. She finally returned my call after 4pm and while she was very nice and helpful by the end of the call, I still wasn't sure what to do.
By 8pm I was in tears sure it was the Everolimus as a mouth sore made its appearance. That's it, I told my mom, I'm not going to take either pill anymore. By 9pm, I decided I was going to sleep on my recliner which is where Brie found me when she got home shortly before midnight.
Shortly after 1am, I awoke, stiff and sore and decided that I was going to try sleeping in my bed. I was already uncomfortable so what did I have to lose? It didn't hit me until I had climbed the stairs and stepped into my room, that the terrible pain that reverberated throughout my mid-section all day long was no longer there. I slowly lowered myself into bed and fell asleep.
The next morning, I awoke, as always, with a mixture of dread and anxiousness as the thought of getting out of bed. Would this be the morning when I could step onto the floor the way I used to or would it be a struggle. While it wasn't like it used to be, neither was it as painful as the morning before. It was a small victory, but I would gladly take it.
As the day progressed, I felt a better. I was able to make Brie some sopa before she left for work. As I got up from my chair in the early evening to wash the pan, mom told me that she would do it. But as I told her, I need to move around. My fear is that I will become a shut in or just a slug on the recliner. I need to fight and one way I do that is to do things. I need to be smart about the things I do and not over do it, but I need to move when I can move.
My recliner has been a blessing, but I want to make sure it doesn't become a prison.
It's part of the reason that at 7:30pm, I went up to my room where I've spent very little time and began to clean up. It felt so good to be away from the family room, off my recliner and doing something. Even if I had to stop every 15 minutes or so and rest.
I finally got into bed shortly before 10pm, happy that the day and evening was vastly different before. I could only pray that when I awoke that I would not find myself back where I was on Monday.
Today has been mostly a good day. My first steps were about what they were the morning before. I decided that I would go out and run a few errands at lunch time. I was able to make it to Target, stop for gas, get some dog food at Petco and stop for some lunch. It was such a beautiful day that I put the top down which only made me feel even better. As I pulled onto our street, I received a call from Brie telling me she just passed me on the street and saw that I had the top down.
After lunch, I could feel the pain returning...not as intense, but still it was there. I counted the minutes before I could take my next dose of Ibuprofen and then I got back on my recliner and waited, praying that the pain would subside, praying that this was not another step back.
There are times when I can't help but wonder...what am I doing wrong? Was it the impatient or unkind thought in my head? But then I remember God's words in Psalm 103:10, "he does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." It helps to know those words.
It's been a difficult past few weeks, some of the hardest I've faced since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I'm watching everything I put into my body. I'm afraid one wrong bite will result in constipation, unbearable gas, or will line my liver with pain again. I hate being afraid. I feel like despite my words, I don't trust in God. But I also feel its important that he knows that I'm doing what I can to get better. I just need his strength, his mercy, his healing.
Regardless, it was a very good day. My second in a row. Good because I felt better and could move around with very very little pain. Good because I had some quality time with my daughter. Good because I talked on the phone twice with my son. Good because I was able to help my mom. Good because I know my sister is coming tomorrow. Good because I was able to go out for a while and drive home with the top down. Good because the pies are in the oven and smell heavenly. Good because the Lord made this day and I was glad in it.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I wasn't sure if the pain was from a pulled muscle which to me was the best case scenario or if it was a side effect from the Everolimus which was the worst case scenario. Two calls to the Oncology department got me nowhere. My doctor wasn't in and his nurse was taking a while to return calls. She finally returned my call after 4pm and while she was very nice and helpful by the end of the call, I still wasn't sure what to do.
By 8pm I was in tears sure it was the Everolimus as a mouth sore made its appearance. That's it, I told my mom, I'm not going to take either pill anymore. By 9pm, I decided I was going to sleep on my recliner which is where Brie found me when she got home shortly before midnight.
Shortly after 1am, I awoke, stiff and sore and decided that I was going to try sleeping in my bed. I was already uncomfortable so what did I have to lose? It didn't hit me until I had climbed the stairs and stepped into my room, that the terrible pain that reverberated throughout my mid-section all day long was no longer there. I slowly lowered myself into bed and fell asleep.
The next morning, I awoke, as always, with a mixture of dread and anxiousness as the thought of getting out of bed. Would this be the morning when I could step onto the floor the way I used to or would it be a struggle. While it wasn't like it used to be, neither was it as painful as the morning before. It was a small victory, but I would gladly take it.
As the day progressed, I felt a better. I was able to make Brie some sopa before she left for work. As I got up from my chair in the early evening to wash the pan, mom told me that she would do it. But as I told her, I need to move around. My fear is that I will become a shut in or just a slug on the recliner. I need to fight and one way I do that is to do things. I need to be smart about the things I do and not over do it, but I need to move when I can move.
My recliner has been a blessing, but I want to make sure it doesn't become a prison.
It's part of the reason that at 7:30pm, I went up to my room where I've spent very little time and began to clean up. It felt so good to be away from the family room, off my recliner and doing something. Even if I had to stop every 15 minutes or so and rest.
I finally got into bed shortly before 10pm, happy that the day and evening was vastly different before. I could only pray that when I awoke that I would not find myself back where I was on Monday.
Today has been mostly a good day. My first steps were about what they were the morning before. I decided that I would go out and run a few errands at lunch time. I was able to make it to Target, stop for gas, get some dog food at Petco and stop for some lunch. It was such a beautiful day that I put the top down which only made me feel even better. As I pulled onto our street, I received a call from Brie telling me she just passed me on the street and saw that I had the top down.
After lunch, I could feel the pain returning...not as intense, but still it was there. I counted the minutes before I could take my next dose of Ibuprofen and then I got back on my recliner and waited, praying that the pain would subside, praying that this was not another step back.
There are times when I can't help but wonder...what am I doing wrong? Was it the impatient or unkind thought in my head? But then I remember God's words in Psalm 103:10, "he does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." It helps to know those words.
It's been a difficult past few weeks, some of the hardest I've faced since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I'm watching everything I put into my body. I'm afraid one wrong bite will result in constipation, unbearable gas, or will line my liver with pain again. I hate being afraid. I feel like despite my words, I don't trust in God. But I also feel its important that he knows that I'm doing what I can to get better. I just need his strength, his mercy, his healing.
Regardless, it was a very good day. My second in a row. Good because I felt better and could move around with very very little pain. Good because I had some quality time with my daughter. Good because I talked on the phone twice with my son. Good because I was able to help my mom. Good because I know my sister is coming tomorrow. Good because I was able to go out for a while and drive home with the top down. Good because the pies are in the oven and smell heavenly. Good because the Lord made this day and I was glad in it.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Getting Impatient
Maybe it was the clouds, maybe it was the hope that I would wake up this morning feeling even better than the night before (it wasn't to be), but my spirit took a bit of a drop this morning. I did not want to go to that place I was on Monday morning. Thankfully, the day improved and even though the sun never came out and I didn't get my walk, there was still plenty to make me smile.
It was Max's 2nd birthday today. It seems like such a long time ago when I was in Dallas, crying because I knew I wouldn't be there for his birth. Now, here he is looking more like a little boy than a baby.
Being thankful that I sleep good each night.
Being thankful for a warm shower that soothed my back.
Being thankful for a crispy apple with a dollop of peanut butter (yum).
Being thankful for our little Belle who keeps me company throughout the day
Being thankful that another cousin of my mom is praying for me
Being thankful that I felt well enough to go to the praise service tonight. It always lifts me up.
These are the types of things I need to focus on, otherwise I get impatient. I want each day to be better than the day before. I know it's not always going to work like that. I know I need to take it just one day at at time, but sometimes my mind runs ahead of itself. Sometimes, I hate going to bed at night because I hate that I seem to have taken a step backwards, physically, when I first wake up.
I have to remember that at the start of the week, I was gasping in pain with the steps that I took and now I'm not. That's a good thing. I just want more.
It was Max's 2nd birthday today. It seems like such a long time ago when I was in Dallas, crying because I knew I wouldn't be there for his birth. Now, here he is looking more like a little boy than a baby.
Being thankful that I sleep good each night.
Being thankful for a warm shower that soothed my back.
Being thankful for a crispy apple with a dollop of peanut butter (yum).
Being thankful for our little Belle who keeps me company throughout the day
Being thankful that another cousin of my mom is praying for me
Being thankful that I felt well enough to go to the praise service tonight. It always lifts me up.
These are the types of things I need to focus on, otherwise I get impatient. I want each day to be better than the day before. I know it's not always going to work like that. I know I need to take it just one day at at time, but sometimes my mind runs ahead of itself. Sometimes, I hate going to bed at night because I hate that I seem to have taken a step backwards, physically, when I first wake up.
I have to remember that at the start of the week, I was gasping in pain with the steps that I took and now I'm not. That's a good thing. I just want more.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
A Little Bit of Normal
The day started off a little normal. This morning I rose from my bed instead of the recliner I've been pretty much sleeping in for the last two weeks. It was hard to get moving, but I managed to do it.
That I found myself at the end of evening at Starbucks
Thankfully, things progressed positively from there. I spent the day at home, working, but able to rise up from my chair without too much discomfort. I didn't get to head outside for a breath of fresh air to start the day, but I did start with the Word...Let all that I am praise the Lord with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Psalm 102:1
I am thankful today...
That I was able to move around without too much pain
For my mom's prayer that covered me this morning
For the beautiful high noon sky
That I was able to go to the grocery store with Brienne, followed by a quick stop at Starbucks
That I was able to make Brienne lunch
That I was able to take a half hour walk after work, enjoying the evening sky that God blessed us with
That I was able to go visit Brienne at work
For the call from my sister
That today felt just a little normal
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Give Thanks
It was the only thing I could do today...give thanks.
I was thankful I could get up and walk to the bathroom myself.
I was thankful for another beautiful morning.
I was thankful I could work from home
I was thankful that I could make Brie lunch
I was thankful that I was able to take a walk this afternoon
I was thankful for a salad and sandwich from Panera
I was thankful for a morning prayer from my mom
Praise the Lord!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?
Who can ever praise him enough?
There is joy for those who deal justly with others
and always do what is right.
Remember me, Lord, when you show favor to your people;
come near and rescue me.
Psalm 106: 1-4
I was thankful I could get up and walk to the bathroom myself.
I was thankful for another beautiful morning.
I was thankful I could work from home
I was thankful that I could make Brie lunch
I was thankful that I was able to take a walk this afternoon
I was thankful for a salad and sandwich from Panera
I was thankful for a morning prayer from my mom
Praise the Lord!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?
Who can ever praise him enough?
There is joy for those who deal justly with others
and always do what is right.
Remember me, Lord, when you show favor to your people;
come near and rescue me.
Psalm 106: 1-4
Monday, November 12, 2012
Get to It
I woke up this morning as I do most mornings, full of hope. Hope that this would be the day that I get up from bed and walk like normal.
It was not to be.
For a while I was convinced that the new meds were once again affecting my kidneys. By 9am I was teary-eyed. As I was getting into the shower mom was trying to talk to me and I tried not to snap back a response. It was only 9am and I was tired, discouraged, worn out.
But then a wonderful thing happened. She asked me if I wanted prayer. "Yes', I exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around me and prayed. Prayed for mercy, prayed for healing, prayed for comfort. I wish I could say that when she let go, I stood up tall and strong, but I didn't. What I had, however, was peace.
By lunchtime I was feeling well enough to take a walk. It was cool and clear outside. Just perfect weather. My steps were slow, but not too painful. I had my praise song playing in my ear. I listened as I thanked God.
That I could still go outside and walk
For the perfect weather
For my mom's prayers that morning
For my iPhone with a camera
I decided that one of my problems has been that I've been waiting....waiting to live or waiting to die. It was time to just live. And with that I took a few pictures.
It was not to be.
For a while I was convinced that the new meds were once again affecting my kidneys. By 9am I was teary-eyed. As I was getting into the shower mom was trying to talk to me and I tried not to snap back a response. It was only 9am and I was tired, discouraged, worn out.
But then a wonderful thing happened. She asked me if I wanted prayer. "Yes', I exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around me and prayed. Prayed for mercy, prayed for healing, prayed for comfort. I wish I could say that when she let go, I stood up tall and strong, but I didn't. What I had, however, was peace.
By lunchtime I was feeling well enough to take a walk. It was cool and clear outside. Just perfect weather. My steps were slow, but not too painful. I had my praise song playing in my ear. I listened as I thanked God.
That I could still go outside and walk
For the perfect weather
For my mom's prayers that morning
For my iPhone with a camera
I decided that one of my problems has been that I've been waiting....waiting to live or waiting to die. It was time to just live. And with that I took a few pictures.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Ups and Downs
I post in my mind almost every day. Sometimes, my posts are long and meaningful. Sometimes, they are short and painfully raw. The one thing that hasn't changed is the excuse for not posting. I haven't had the heart.
The last few months have taken a toll and some of my spirit, too. The hardest part has been the bad days following a good day. It seems I just can't get over the hump or I can't string enough good wins to feel like I'm getting somewhere.
The hardest part has been the apathy that seems to have rooted itself in my heart. I long for the day when my camera seemed to be an extension of my hands and words flowed from my fingers. At first I thought the lull was God's way of calling me back to him. I felt I had made photography my idol. But now, I wonder will I be able to get behind the camera the way I was. Will I be able to write the way I hoped to, the way my mind says that I can.
On Friday, I decided that I would no longer think that a good day meant things were getting better or that a bad bay meant things were going south. A good day would be just that, a good day and a bad day would be a bad day. I also decided that even bad days had aspects in which I could rejoice.
On Friday, I looked at the sky and fixed my eye on the blue and white canvas and saw what I was looking for. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen. I need to try to find beauty in the every day. I need to write every day....even if it's just two or three words. And I need to start picking up my camera again.
The last few months have taken a toll and some of my spirit, too. The hardest part has been the bad days following a good day. It seems I just can't get over the hump or I can't string enough good wins to feel like I'm getting somewhere.
The hardest part has been the apathy that seems to have rooted itself in my heart. I long for the day when my camera seemed to be an extension of my hands and words flowed from my fingers. At first I thought the lull was God's way of calling me back to him. I felt I had made photography my idol. But now, I wonder will I be able to get behind the camera the way I was. Will I be able to write the way I hoped to, the way my mind says that I can.
On Friday, I decided that I would no longer think that a good day meant things were getting better or that a bad bay meant things were going south. A good day would be just that, a good day and a bad day would be a bad day. I also decided that even bad days had aspects in which I could rejoice.
On Friday, I looked at the sky and fixed my eye on the blue and white canvas and saw what I was looking for. It's time to stop waiting for something to happen. I need to try to find beauty in the every day. I need to write every day....even if it's just two or three words. And I need to start picking up my camera again.
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