Everything I Had

It was supposed to be a team leadership summit. It was decided to include an overnight camping trip as part of our team building experience.

I was really looking forward to it. I've been missing the ocean so much.

The thought of falling asleep to the sound of crashing wave.

Gathering around a campfire and roasting marshmallows was something I couldn't wait to do.

Watching both the sunset and the sunrise in the beauty of the outdoors made me so excited.

But the night before, my back was hurting. It didn't feel any better in the morning as it usually does.

It took everything I had to be out there, moving through the pain, letting others do things for me.

But I needed to go. I needed to stand out in front of the ocean, watching the waves come forth and just as quickly retreat.

I needed to put my feet into the ocean and feel God's mercy and grace wash over me.

I needed to live.

Keep Shining on Me

Don't know if it was the panic attack I think I had on Tuesday or knowing of the assault on several people by a homeless woman near our office, but Austin didn't hold quite the same magic for me this second time around. So glad I stayed at the Omni even if I learned two days later that our CEO issued an edict that we were no longer to stay there. At least I can honestly say, I never got that memo.

My strength came back in time for my flight to Jackson which was a good thing because the flight to DFW was over 45 minutes late. Not a good thing when the connecting time was only an hour in the first place.

The tram going in the direction which I needed to go wasn't working which meant an extra 10 minutes riding in the loop from terminal C to terminal B.

Thankfully, I was able to move at a decent pace. I arrived at my departing gate just as they were making the last call for me. I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to hurry as though it was my fault that I arrived there just 5 minutes before the scheduled departure time. That didn't stop me from clicking my camera one more time before I stepped into the plane.

The rest of the trip could not have been easier. We landed a little early. There were no lines at the car rental counter. My bag was one of the first on the belt and I was able to pull it off, all by myself.

Driving west towards Vicksburg was easier than I remembered.

The setting sun did not disappoint.

Of course as I exited the highway for the last leg of my journey, I had to stop at Sonic to get my fix.

It did my heart good to see family at the end of the day.

First You're Up, Then You're Down

I learned about Maslow's Theory of the Hierarchy of Needs in grade school, maybe Junior High. Here in the United States, we don't give this a lot of thought and most of us live in the upper pyramids. We take for granted food, water, shelter. When I was in the fight for my life, I was deeply cognizant of the fact that I was now living in the bottom of the pyramid.

I had just bought my bug and I could care less about it. The new camera and lens that went with it seemed such a waste. Every set back takes me back to that feeling. Today was one of those days. 

After feeling so strong yesterday, I struggled through most of the day. Not until this evening did I finally venture out. 

My heart wasn't into it, but I made myself head out.

It's the thing I hate the most about feeling this way...the loss of creativity. 

I want it back. One day. One day.

On the Road Again

I was nervous about traveling this time around. 

I would be alone and with my back hurting the way it did, I wasn't sure if I could do it.

But I had places to go, people to see so despite my misgivings, I booked my flights and left the rest up to God.

Sometime over the weekend, prayers were answered. I started feeling stronger.

I was able to lift my bag with my laptop into the overhead. 

A nice man saw me struggling with my bag on the carousel and lifted it off for me. 

I got a room with a pretty nice view.

Overall, it was a pretty nice day.

Chasing Rainbows

It came out of nowhere, a prism in the sky. I tried chasing it down, but this was the closest I came.

On the way home, I looked back and smiled.

God is good!

A Good Day

It was a good day. From lovely skies at the very beginning.

To seeing light where I never noticed before.

 It was even lovely in black and white.

It was the moment I've been longing for these past few months.

To taking my daughter some dinner at her work.

To a wonderful worship service

 To a late night donut run.

With my baby girl.

The Way I See It

Part of the reason for my depression has been the fact that I haven't really had the inclination to go out shooting. Every day I ache, ache to do something. But every day I lay here on the sofa, like Mrs. Couch Potato Head unable to scrounge up the energy to grab my camera and head out.

My phone has been the last tie I have to any creativity and even that has been minimal.

In many ways this hiatus is a good thing. It's allowed me to focus on God. It's allowed me to more faithfully read His Word every day. It's allowed me to think about the pictures I was taking and question why I took them. Following the crowd? Following the light?

Looking forward to my up-coming travel, hoping I feel inspiration again. Because yesterday was the first day I felt somewhat energetic. Today I actually went out after work. No, I didn't go out shooting, but I went out. And I'm not exhausted. It felt so good to be driving home at sunset, enjoying the beauty of the evening. I'm so looking forward to the change of the weather so I can head out to the beach.

The way I see it, despite the longing I feel, I think this has been a good thing. But I also hope this is coming to and end.