God Answers Prayer

God answers prayer.

Yes, He does. Never doubt it for a moment.

The Way it is Sometimes

There are no snapshots today...at least not as of six o'clock Pacific time.

Sometimes that's the way it is.

God had Other Plans

There was a time I doubted I would ever make it here again. God had other plans.

I'm so glad he did.

2013/65 Promises Ahead

There is something good coming. I can feel it. Even with the dark clouds around, in the distance, there are blue skies.

They will be here soon. Along with God's promises.

Discouraged

I wanted to write of hope, but I feel so discouraged today.

I need prayer. Praying that tomorrow will find me in good spirits, full of hope, full of faith. Thankful that I have a God who understands how I feel.

Signs Are Everywhere

There are little signs everywhere that I'm getting better every day. 

I'm taking pictures again.

I'm baking again.

I'm spending time on the floor with Belle again.

I changed the sheets myself today.

I'm whittling away on my Christmas list...without a single online purchase yet.

I'm getting off my recliner more each day. 

I'm smiling more.

I feel more engaged in life.

Tomorrow is my oncology appointment. Praying the blood tests show positive results. Praying that the doctor will agree that more frequent bone infusions will help build my strength.

Looking Forward

Thanksgiving Eve. At the beginning of the week, I didn't think I would be able to celebrate the holiday at all. I hadn't given up and my hope was still in God, but I spent Monday in pain most any time I moved. The peace I had found the previous week was waning as I tried desperately to find silver linings.

I wasn't sure if the pain was from a pulled muscle which to me was the best case scenario or if it was a side effect from the Everolimus which was the worst case scenario. Two calls to the Oncology department got me nowhere. My doctor wasn't in and his nurse was taking a while to return calls. She finally returned my call after 4pm and while she was very nice and helpful by the end of the call, I still wasn't sure what to do.

By 8pm I was in tears sure it was the Everolimus as a mouth sore made its appearance. That's it, I told my mom, I'm not going to take either pill anymore. By 9pm, I decided I was going to sleep on my recliner which is where Brie found me when she got home shortly before midnight.

Shortly after 1am, I awoke, stiff and sore and decided that I was going to try sleeping in my bed. I was already uncomfortable so what did I have to lose? It didn't hit me until I had climbed the stairs and stepped into my room, that the terrible pain that reverberated throughout my mid-section all day long was no longer there. I slowly lowered myself into bed and fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke, as always, with a mixture of dread and anxiousness as the thought of getting out of bed. Would this be the morning when I could step onto the floor the way I used to or would it be a struggle. While it wasn't like it used to be, neither was it as painful as the morning before. It was a small victory, but I would gladly take it.

As the day progressed, I felt a better. I was able to make Brie some sopa before she left for work. As I got up from my chair in the early evening to wash the pan, mom told me that she would do it. But as I told her, I need to move around. My fear is that I will become a shut in or just a slug on the recliner. I need to fight and one way I do that is to do things. I need to be smart about the things I do and not over do it, but I need to move when I can move.

My recliner has been a blessing, but I want to make sure it doesn't become a prison.

It's part of the reason that at 7:30pm, I went up to my room where I've spent very little time and began to clean up. It felt so good to be away from the family room, off my recliner and doing something. Even if I had to stop every 15 minutes or so and rest.

I finally got into bed shortly before 10pm, happy that the day and evening was vastly different before. I could only pray that when I awoke that I would not find myself back where I was on Monday.

Today has been mostly a good day. My first steps were about what they were the morning before. I decided that I would go out and run a few errands at lunch time. I was able to make it to Target, stop for gas, get some dog food at Petco and stop for some lunch. It was such a beautiful day that I put the top down which only made me feel even better. As I pulled onto our street, I received a call from Brie telling me she just passed me on the street and saw that I had the top down.

After lunch, I could feel the pain returning...not as intense, but still it was there. I counted the minutes before I could take my next dose of Ibuprofen and then I got back on my recliner and waited, praying that the pain would subside, praying that this was not another step back.

There are times when I can't help but wonder...what am I doing wrong? Was it the impatient or unkind thought in my head? But then I remember God's words in Psalm 103:10, "he does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." It helps to know those words.

It's been a difficult past few weeks, some of the hardest I've faced since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I'm watching everything I put into my body. I'm afraid one wrong bite will result in constipation, unbearable gas, or will line my liver with pain again. I hate being afraid. I feel like despite my words, I don't trust in God. But I also feel its important that he knows that I'm doing what I can to get better. I just need his strength, his mercy, his healing.

Regardless, it was a very good day. My second in a row. Good because I felt better and could move around with very very little pain. Good because I had some quality time with my daughter. Good because I talked on the phone twice with my son. Good because I was able to help my mom. Good because I know my sister is coming tomorrow. Good because I was able to go out for a while and drive home with the top down. Good because the pies are in the oven and smell heavenly. Good because the Lord made this day and I was glad in it.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.

What Faith Can Do

This song touched me today. I was singing it over and over again in the car as I was driving home, then switched on the Fish and much to my delight, surprise and thankfulness, it was playing on the radio. Is that not a miracle in itself??

As I was singing the refrain along with the radio, my words were coming in furious bursts of sobs. It felt so catharsis. 

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

It's not just a song to me. It's what I believe. It's what I know to be true. I don't know why I've had a set back, but it doesn't mean that I can climb back out of this, if it be God's will. My dream is that I still have time. I have hope that there are still some miracles out there for me. 

Hope

This is the place I have come to hate and love. I hate that I have to spend so much time here. I love the caring nature of all who work here. Here you'll see a range of emotion, the still stunned, frightened faces of those who are new to the whole thing, the resigned looks of those who know the drill and the shining smiles of those who have hope or have been given good news.

I took this picture in black and white at the very beginning of my appointment. It shows the melancholy I was feeling as I waited for the doctor, afraid of what he might say.

His words gave me hope. It's not time for Chemo yet. And even if it were, we can still beat this back. I will regain my strength. I am praying that the new meds work. I'm not ready to go back to this.

But I will if I have to. My hair is nothing compared to my life.

By the time I left, hope was springing in me. I am strong in the Lord. I trust in Him. I will praise Him in the Storm. 

Faith

It's been a weekend of mental ups and downs. I haven't wrestled with myself so erratically in such a long while. It comes down to this

When I don't have that, I don't have anything. It comes so easily at times, but other times it is such a struggle. How many times must I learn? How many times must I be reminded. How can I have so much confidence and then let it all slip away?

Thankfully, we have His Word which draws us closer to him, which gives us the reminders that help bring us to a place of faith. It's where I'm at right now. I pray I'll be there tomorrow, too.

Tired

It's been a long week with still one more day to go. Didn't help that I had to drive over to Kaiser for my blood test in preparation for my doctor's appointment on Monday. There is always that moment before the needle goes in when my anxiety rises. Some of the lab technicians are so good, I really can't feel the needle. Some, aren't. I don't know which it'll be until the needle is inserted. I still hate that moment.

My melancholy didn't really help. As I walked to the medical building, I thought about miracles and the hope that I have that one day I will be miraculously healed. I do believe God has that power. I know he does without a doubt. Just because he hasn't performed it on me doesn't me he loves me any less or my sin is any more than any one else. It's just the way it is.

I like to believe that God has already performed a miracle, that he gave me more time. So what if during that time, I have to walk with a limp. So what if during that time, getting up from a chair can be difficult. At least I'm not filled with pain 24/7. At least I can still walk. At least I'm still to live, laugh, love. And hurt, cry, ache, because I still do those things do.

Driving back home, I thought about Jesus and how he asked if there was another way, that God would take the cup. A kiss on his check was the answer. How then can I ask for God to spare me pain, which really at this time, I don't have a lot of. How then can I ask for God to heal me completely. Don't get me wrong, I ask this ALL the time, EVERY morning, EVERY night, EVERY time I get up to walk right now. I AWAYS hope, hope that as I sleep, God will touch me and I'll awake and my cancer will be gone.

I know it can happen, but I don't know that it will. I'm okay with that. I can live like this a long, long time. I'm okay with that. I just want years. That would be my miracle. 12 more years...at least. But I'll take it one day at a time.

He's in the Air I Breathe

Thankful Thursday, so much thankfulness today.

Retrospect

It was a good day, from start to finish.

Made good time out the door.

The sky was extra beautiful.

I could see and feel the glory of God all around.

I wasn't even nervous about my pending doctor appointment and I finally drove up to this building that is always reflecting light for a close up.

And stopped on the way in to take a photo of the sight that greets me when I first walk into our office.

The view from my office gave me hope.

She looked bored so I had to stop to take her picture and then give her some loving.

A delish dinner after the doctor appointment.

And beautiful skies on the way home to end the evening.

God is good. All the time!

Endurance

This snapshot depicts the way I felt yesterday. The old me would have languished in self-pity, but the believer in God knows there are better days ahead.

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever. Isaiah 40:8

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